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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24198022">Waiting for the End</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheankelor/pseuds/sheankelor'>sheankelor</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Darker than my normal but with positive ending, Death Wish, Gen, Severe Depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:35:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24198022</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheankelor/pseuds/sheankelor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day, for as long as Severus could remember, was a battle. He forced himself to get up, forced himself to do something, all because there was a reason to go on. First, it was to be with Lily, then it was to save Lily, then it was to end the war. Poppy wanted him to know there was more than one reason, and he shouldn't be looking for the end. </p><p>Trigger warnings as this is darker than my normal fics: Severe depression and a death wish</p><p>Has a positive ending because, well, it's me.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Waiting for the End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, everyone, this one isn't betaed. It was inspired by a much happier song that this tale is, but a section of it made me consider this angle. I will admit I've held onto this idea for over a year - it's morphed and changed as to the side characters and their actions until most of them just dropped out. No Minerva, no Filius, and no Pomona this time.</p><p>ed: Eflina said I needed to give the song: 'Prize Worth Fighting For' by Jamie Kimmett</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Severus thought about opening his eyes. The morning was starting – he knew it was – but did he really want to start with it?</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Was the struggle of moving worth it today?</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Could he face another day of students? Another day of other Professors? Another day without the chance of happiness?</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">‘<em>I promised Albus I would keep fighting.’</em> He flung an arm over his eyes, cursing the day he promised. It had been a week after Lily died. Albus had overridden his lock on his room because he hadn't bothered to leave it since her death. He'd no reason – the reason he was willing to face the day had passed. He'd nothing to fight for anymore. So, he hadn't bothered to pull himself out of his bed except to go to the loo and take a potion for his headache. He hadn't need food, he didn't remember drinking anything and wanted to just to vanish.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He remembered Albus talking to him, but Severus didn’t remember what the man had said. Poppy had appeared at his side and potions were forced into him. He remembered explaining – maybe even begging – for them to leave him alone. Telling them that he was done with it all.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">It was then that Albus made him promise to keep living – to keep fighting until Voldemort was gone. He’d forced Severus to look at his Dark Mark and assured him that Voldemort would be back.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Cracking his eyes open, Severus stared at the underside of his arm – his left arm. <em>‘He was right. The Dark Lord has come back.’</em> His arm dropped to the bed and stared at the canopy above his head. <em>‘And Potter is our hope for ending this. I’ve got to keep that boy alive, bring information back to the Order, and end this war. To do this I’ve got to get out of this bed. I’ve got to get dressed and eat something.’</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Pushing himself up, he slid out from under the covers and looked for his clothes. He blinked at the spot he dropped them last night. <em>‘The elves – they must have come for the laundry. I need to get new ones from the wardrobe.’</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He glanced at the bathroom, considered if he wanted to shower, but couldn’t find the energy – not today, maybe tomorrow. Being clean wasn’t necessary to win this war.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">§§§§§</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus stared at Albus trying to understand why this was being asked of him. Sure – he knew what the orders were, he even understood the reason for them, but he just couldn’t understand why Albus got to stop fighting.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“You want me to kill you?” he asked.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“I'm dying already, Severus, you know that," Albus said, leaning on his desk with an earnest expression on his face, "Young Malfoy doesn't – he would think he killed a healthy man. It will scar his soul."</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus twitched his head at that – dismissing the statement, “I know that, Albus. But ... you want me to kill you? You want to leave me here in your stead? Albus, I don’t think … I don’t want … I’m done …”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Albus’ expression soften, “After all this time? I thought you’d moved on, Severus. I thought you’d found the will to stay.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus shook his head sharply, “I’m here only because I promised you, and now you’re leaving.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“If we could, I would trade places, Severus,” Albus moved closer, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Even if the war needs me still, we both know I am not going to live to see the end. It still needs you, though.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus clenched his hand tight, fighting the urge to shrug Albus’ hand off of him. “It’ll be fine without me.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Albus shook his head, “Maybe, but it will take longer. More lives will be lost.” He dropped his hand and moved to stand in Severus’ line of sight. “You can do this. You promised to the end of the war.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Snarling Severus crossed his arms, “Fine – I’ll do it. Is there anything else we need to talk about.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">When Albus shook his head, he stormed out of the office. <em>'It would have been perfect! Malfoy isn't letting me in on his plans – I've done what I can to help the boy, but I know the oath I took wouldn't see it that way, so I would die. No-fault to me, none to anyone but Narcissa for making me take the bloody thing. But Albus is making it so that I have to fulfil the oath.'</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He fumed all the way to the dungeons. Students scattered before him, but he didn’t notice. Slamming his quarter’s door shut, he snarled, “It’s not fair! It was a perfect set up. Why?!”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Flinging himself into his chair near the fireplace, he closed his eyes. He wasn’t leaving this room until Monday.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">§§§§§</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Poppy stood there quietly debating with herself. Should she honour what she knew Severus' wish would be, or should she do what her gut said to do? Her heart was torn.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Ever since the first time Voldemort was defeated, since the first time she kept Severus from fading away, she knew he didn’t want to live. Every time he was in her Infirmary she felt like she was on a suicide watch. Always waiting for whatever Albus had used to convince him to remain among the living to not matter any more.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">It was because of him she spent several summers learning the basics of mind healing becoming the equivalent of a Muggle psychologist. The students over the years had benefited from the training, but he always seemed to push her help away. <em>‘He needs someone with more training than me. He needs someone who can convince him to open up, who won’t judge him, who won’t care about the past.’</em> She had accepted that it wasn’t going to happen while Voldemort was an issue, but now that he was gone – for good if what everyone who was in the Great Hall this morning said – there was a chance. <em>‘Except what mind-healer is going to be open and accepting? Willing to listen and not judge? Maybe I should find a Muggle one and convince him to see them.’</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">It was that last thought that told her she was going to obey her gut. She was a healer and couldn’t sit by and let him die. If the elves hadn’t brought him to the Infirmary alive, there’d been no dilemma. Resolved, she set to. Healing his neck was first, dealing with any venom was second, and then she’d try to heal the mind.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Sometime that night, late, she heard him moving about. Rushing to his bedside, hoping he hadn’t reopened the wounds in his neck, she spoke calmly, “You can’t move that much, Severus.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Let me go, Poppy," Severus rasped out. "Please … Albus said I could go."</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Running a hand over his brow, checking for a fever, she leant close. “Severus – Albus isn’t here. He couldn’t have said anything.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He looked at her, his fever visible in his eyes, "I know he's dead – I killed him as he told me to. It was then he told me – reminded me that I had to stay till the end of the war. It's done … I don't have to stay any longer."</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">A trembling hand grasped her arm.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Just let me go, Poppy, please.” His fingers tightened, keeping her from reaching for the potion phial.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Severus,” his name was a sigh, “I can’t. I … just can’t. I have to try.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">His eyes closed and his hand dropped, “Why? There is nothing left for me. All my tasks are done.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“You’re still Headmaster and this school needs you.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Minerva’s better.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“You plot better than she does.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Everyone hates me, including me.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Poppy looked deep into herself, accessed her feelings as she knew he could easily detect a lie, “I don’t hate you. I was mad at you. I didn’t understand what happened, but I don’t hate you.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Exhausted eyes studied her, searching her face, looking for the truth. She waited until they closed, and his body lost tension.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“You’re the only one – you’ve been the only one for years – who bothered with me.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">‘<em>He noticed! All that work might pay off.’</em> She offered him a pain killer and her heart lifted when he accepted it and the others as well. “You are worth the bother, Severus.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He gave a soft snort of disagreement.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“To me, you are.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">The tiniest twitch of his lips, the smallest indication of a smile heartened her. She wasn't going to push it, not today, but soon she was going to recommend a mind-healer and strong-arm him there.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Tucking the blankets around him, she brushed her fingers across his shoulder and left the room quietly shutting the door behind her.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">§§§§§</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Three days. It took three days to find a Muggle psychiatrist who knew about the Wizarding World. Poppy left the elves guarding Severus' door to meet him and see if he was worthy of helping Severus. She'd cover the cost herself if need be.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Dr Arundel’s office was in Cornwall and it was raining when she arrived. Stepping through the office door, she brushed the water off her Muggle outfit and approached the receptionist.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Can I help you?” the young man behind the desk asked.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“I’m Poppy Pomfrey, here to speak with Dr Arundel,” she spoke in her clearest tone trying to hide her tiredness. The last three days had been long with castle repairs and fraught with injuries.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He gestured towards a row of chairs, “Please, have a seat and I’ll let him know you are here.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Nodding once, she moved into the waiting area. Magazines and some books were lying around, but nothing that looked interesting. As the minutes passed, she fought her closing eyes. The room was so very peaceful, causing her to relax. She was almost asleep when the receptionist called her back.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Standing slowly, she shook the sleepiness away and followed him.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“If you could wait in here, please,” he opened a door for her, “Dr Arundel went to get some tea and said he’d be right back.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She walked into a comfortable looking room set up almost like a front parlour. She’d barely sat down before the door opened and admitted a man carrying a tea tray.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Ah, Ms Pomfrey,” Arundel sat the tray down and held out his hand, “I’m Dr Arundel, pleased to meet you.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She stood and shook his hand, “Thank you for seeing me.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Of course,” he indicated her chair as he sat in one near it, “tea?”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“That’d be lovely, thank you,” she answered then waited to continue until she had her cup, “What do you know about the state of the Wizarding World, Dr Arundel?”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">His lips compressed slightly before answering, “I’ve heard that You-Know-Who is dead, that Hogwarts was attacked, and the number of injured and dead keeps rising while his followers are being hunted down. I don’t know what you wished to see me about, though. St Mungo’s mind-healers just let me know that you were looking for someone in the field that knew of the Wizarding World.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She nodded, “Then I should properly introduce myself. I am Madam Poppy Pomfrey, Healer at Hogwarts. I also have what is basically a psychologist certification. I am here to consult with you about a case that I believe is above the level of care I can provide.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">His demeanour changed from doctor to patient to professional to professional. “War trauma?”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She narrowed her eyes slightly, “That and more. Possible early childhood abuse, school bullying, and the trauma of war. I believe he has had a death wish for over fifteen years, I know he has been severely depressed all that time. He has refused all help from me in the past.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Arundel sipped his tea as he considered. Setting the cup on its saucer, he asked, “And why do you think he would accept mine?”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“I don’t know if he will, but before I bring him here, I need to know that you’re willing to help him.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">When he raised an eyebrow, she couldn’t help her grin, “Severus does that a lot, you two might actually bond.” Waving the question she could see forming, she answered it, “The man I want you to help is Severus Snape – the current Headmaster of Hogwarts.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He frowned, “I know the name, but nothing else.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Then let me tell you about him so that you can decide if you can help him,” Poppy said and proceeded to do just that.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">§§§§§</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Poppy sat on Severus’ bedside studying the results of her diagnosis. “You are fit to leave, now.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus sighed, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to do anything. He was only here – living – because he couldn’t hurt Poppy. It had been one of the things that had pulled him through many deadly injuries in the past. Poppy took care of him. She did things that no one else had. She made him feel worthy of living if just for while he was in her care.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Severus,” She tapped the bed near his hand and waited until he was looking at her, “I am going to smuggle you out of the school. I’ve sent the elves to pack your place up – everything here and at your summer home. Do you have an alternative place to go? One that no one else knows of?”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">"Poppy, I didn't expect to live through this – I have no backup plans."</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She compressed her lips tight before nodding, “My husband’s family left me some property – an old place on the Isle of Wight near Calbourne. It’s out in the middle of nowhere and I can’t guarantee the upkeep, but you can go there. If you like it, we’ll talk about the price.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Poppy...” he trailed off when he noticed she wasn’t done. <em>‘Besides, if it is in the middle of nowhere, then I can just fade away.’</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“I also took the liberty of finding a psychiatrist to help you.” She matched his glare with one of her own, “He knows about the Wizarding World, and he knows who you are. Dr Arundel recommended you getting out of the Wizarding World – out of this school. He recommended a clean start.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“And that is why you are moving me out of my place?” he asked.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She nodded, “Only the elves and I know you are still alive – well, and Dr Arundel. Patient confidentiality should help him hold that secret.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“And what should I do - die?" he snapped.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Become whomever you want, once you know who you are.” Poppy leant forwards, her face pleading with him, “Please – go see Dr Arundel. Stay in the house – fix it up to your liking – find out who you want to be not who you were made to be, Severus. Then be that person.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Of course, you’ll be by to check on me.” It wasn’t a question, not honestly.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“You are my patient. You may be physically well enough to leave here, Severus, but you still need to be checked on. So, yes, I'll be stopping by."</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">The fight left him and he slumped back against the headboard, his head dropping against the wall. “Why, Poppy? I’m not worth this. The world would be a happier place without me.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Because you are worth it to me, Severus. And my world would be a darker place without you.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus tried to ignore the gentle warmth those words invoked, but couldn’t. Not with her looking at him so earnestly.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“I’ll go.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She smiled.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">§§§§§</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Poppy portkeyed to the Isle of Wright as soon as she could. She had to be on-site during the school repairs just in case, but now that those were done she was free. Once on the island, it didn't take her long to find the old farmhouse tucked up against the edge of the forest. When she had taken Severus there earlier it had been barely liveable. It had reminded her of him – clinging on only because the end hadn’t claimed them yet.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Walking down the path to the house, she noticed the weeds were gone. A glance to either side showed the fields had been tended. The house itself, she noticed as she walked up the steps, was still in fairly rough shape. <em>‘A little bit at a time.’</em></p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She knocked on the door and waited.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Poppy, what are you doing here?" Severus called to her as he came around from the back of the house.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Spinning about, she couldn’t help but smile. He was dressed in Muggle attire, covered in mud up to his knees, and something about the general air around him seemed brighter. “I just escaped Hogwarts to check on you.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Go on in,” he waved towards the front door, “I’m going in the back.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She opened the front door, and her smile broadened. The outside of the house might not look better, but the inside – there were little touches here and there that stood out to her. Simple things repaired, a new coat of paint on a window sill, even the furniture rearranged. All of them were signs of someone living not simply existing.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">He came up front with a pot of tea and some sandwiches. “Don’t get your hopes up to high, Poppy. I’ve a long way to go. Every day is still a fight, but now, not every choice is a mental war – decisions to be balanced and decided if they are even worth the effort.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She nodded as she poured, “Yes, but you’re going.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“Don’t doubt that some choices are a war, don’t doubt that I still have no clue why you consider me worth the effort, but I … I am not just waiting for the end any more,” he said as he accepted the cup. “As I said, I have a long, long way to go.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">She chose a sandwich and sat on the old lumpy sofa, “Yes, you do, but you’re going to get there.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Severus relaxed in his chair holding his tea. A smile – an honest smile – curled his lips. “Yes, yes I am.”</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p>
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